Family Guy sex quotes

Image by Jason Schlachet via Flickr Stewie: What’s this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G … oh, that’s better than sex!

Peter Griffin: We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.
Lois Griffin: Ah, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That’s why I went back to men.

Adult Stewie (after having sex with Fran): Umm…that’s never happened before.
Fran: Which part? The eight seconds of sex or the 45 minutes of crying?
Stewie: Uh, I guess both. (Short pause) Do I give you money now?
Fran: Yeah, I’m gonna go.

More Family Guy sex quotes after the jump!

Brooke: Quagmire, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and had sex with your unconscious body?
Brooke: What?
Quagmire: Yes.

Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex. Some people have it anonymously. What kind of person would do that you might ask? Well, I’m about to find out. I’ve just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and he’s in the bathroom right now,
possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in-depth and undercover.
(Quagmire walks into the room in his boxers and lays down on the bed.)
Quagmire: I’ve never had a Spanish chick before! O-LE!!!

Stewie: Here is a condom but use it wisely.
(flash to couple moaning while having sex in car)
(Stewie enters car and takes condom)
Guy: Hey what are you doing!!
Girl: Come back with that!!
Guy: Where were we?
(couple contiues to have sex)
Guy: hey this is much better!!!

Peter: You gotta help me Brian. Teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian: Well, Peter, it’s not really that hard. Let’s start with polite conversation. For example, ‘It’s a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we’re having.’ Now you try.
Peter: ‘It’s a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan’s Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex.’ How’s that?
Brian: Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the heck of it, let’s try it again.

Peter (to Lois): Lois, The Drunken Clam has been taken over by a bunch of limey tea suckin British bastards.
Nigel Pinchly (Brit): I guess I’m the limely bastard who purchased your bar, bit of an awkward moment really.
Peter: Awkward moment? I’ll give you an awkward moment, one time during sex I called Lois Frank! Your move Sherlock.

Schnieder: Oh, I’ll fix your sink Ms. Romano, and by “fix your sink” I mean I’ll have sex with you, and by “have sex with you” I mean I’ll fix your sink, and by “sink” I mean your reproductive organ, and by “reproductive organ” I mean the thing between your knees, and by “the thing between your knees” I…well I guess that one’s kind of self-explanatory.

Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play “I Never.” You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(They all drink.)
Joe: I’ll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland’s wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****About 33 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um…I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)

Peter: Lois, you’ve got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I’m talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: We now return to the Smurfs…
(on television screen)
Smurf #1: Hey, did you have a good time last night?
Smurf #2: Smurf-tacular!
Smurf #1: Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf #2: Oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf #1: Shut the Smurf up!
Smurf #2: Yeah!
Smurf #1: Right in the Smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2: Smurf-Yeah!
Smurf #1: Oh! That is freaking Smurf!

Peter: Well guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland: You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potantcy.
Quagmire: That’s right, you take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a…a belt.

Jasper (Brian’s cousin): Do you like Sex and the City?
Brian: Yeah, it’s an okay show.
Jasper: I wasn’t talking about the show! OOOOOO! I’M NASTY!

The Fellas At The Freakin’ FCC Song
Peter: They will clean up all your talking in a matter such as this
Brian: They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a p*ss
Stewie: And they’ll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss
Peter, Brian, & Stewie: It’s the plain situation!
There’s no negiotiation!
Peter: With the fellows at the freakin FCC!

Brian: They’re as stuffy as the stuffiest of the special interest groups…
Peter: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops
Stewie: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops!
Peter, Brian, & Stewie: Take a tip, take a lesson!
You’ll never win by messin’
Peter: With the fellas at the freakin’ FCC

And if you find yourself with some you sexy thing
You’re gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling
Cause you can’t say penis!

So they sent this little warning they’re prepared to do the worst
Brian: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be co-erced
Stewie: I can think of quite another place they should have stuck it first!

Peter, Brian, & Stewie: They may just be neurotic
Or possible psychotic
They’re the fellas at the freakin FCC!

Lois: So Meg, did you do anything interesting last night.
Meg (trying to think of something to say): Oh…yeah. I went out with this real nice guy…whose name is…Ronnie…Mitchell-…stork……and he’s the captain of the…soccer…ball…team.
Lois: OK, as long as you’re having (hehe)…safe (hahaha)…sex (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). Ooh, YOU LITTLE LIAR!

Peter: I’m gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter’s in the fridge!

Peter: Our sex is so dull for you that you gotta fantasize about George Clooney?
Lois: I’m sorry honey, I guess that things have become a little…stale for me.
Peter: Well, I-I don’t know what to do. I mean, I don’t really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, I-I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. (Hooks car battery to both his nipples.)
Peter: Ahh, Ahh, Ahh, Oh God, Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow there’s 240-Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow!