Peter’s Two Dads – Family Guy Season 5

Peter’s Two Dads is from Family Guy Season 5. In this episode, we see Peter’s dad, Francis, die. Peter’s Mom Thelma tells him that his real father actually lives in Ireland. So Peter and Brian decide to head there in search of his father, who ends up being the town drunk. They decide to play a drinking game to prove his paternity. Meanwhile, Stewie acts out and Lois spanks him. Realizing that he likes being spanked, Stewie does whatever he can to get into trouble.

Peter’s Two Dads Quotes

Francis Griffin: Peter. You’re a fat, stinking drunk!
Asian Santa Claus: [talking fast] What do you want? what do you want for Christmas?
Stewie Griffin: Um. I was thinking maybe one of those old timey…
Asian Santa Claus: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!
[throws Stewie of his lap]
Asian Santa Claus: What do you want?
Asian Kid: Fire Truck!
Asian Santa Claus: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa Claus: Next!
[throws Asian kid off his lap, Asian kid goes aghh for a second while being thrown]

Continue reading more Peter’s Two Dads quotes and watch the entire Peter’s Two Dads episode!
Airport Rep: Name, sir?
Robert Loggia: Robert Loggia.
Airport Rep: Could you spell it out for me?
Robert Loggia: Certainly. Robert Loggia. R as in Robert Loggia. O as in “Oh my god, it’s Robert Loggia.” B as in “By God! It’s Robert Loggia.” E as in “Everybody loves Robert Loggia.” R as in Robert Loggia. T as in “Tim, look over there! It’s Robert Loggia.” Space. L as in “Look! It’s Robert Loggia.”
[Peter groans]

Peter Griffin: All I know is, that somewhere in great land of Ireland, there is a fat bastard just like me.
Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday’s coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg… eh?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg Griffin: That’s not right.
Peter Griffin: So, less… more… too many… uh, not enough…?
Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don’t even know how old I am!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age… or is it?
Meg Griffin: I’m gonna be seventeen, you jerks!
[leaves]
Peter Griffin: She’s the jerk.

Meg Griffin: I can’t believe Grandpa’s dead.
Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy.
Lois Griffin: Excuse us.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, we’ll be right back.
[Lois and Brian go out on the lawn where they jump for joy. They high-five each other, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and wags his tail. Lois smacks him into the garbage cans, then they go back inside]
Lois Griffin: We’re all gonna miss him.
Brian Griffin: Tragic.

[Peter sits on the couch, lighting a bong]
Brian Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin: Crack.
Brian Griffin: What the…
[beeping noise cuts off his last word]
Peter Griffin: Hey, at least I’m not drinking, Brian.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, this isn’t exactly a good substitute. Where’d you get crack?
Peter Griffin: From Black’s
Brian Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, right behind Black’s Hardware store. There’s a white guy selling it

Peter Griffin: Dad, I’m so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I-I don’t know if you can hear me right now, but… I hope you know… I love you, Dad.
Francis Griffin: Peter… come closer. There’s something… I need to say to you.
Peter Griffin: I’m here, Dad. What is it?
Francis Griffin: Peter… you’re a fat, stinking drunk!
[dies]

Peter Griffin: Oh, my God, he’s dead! He can’t be dead! There’s gotta be something I can do. Maybe I’ll bury him in the Pet Cemetery.
[cutaway to Peter burying Francis in the Pet Cemetery. As he finishes, Francis jumps out of the ground screaming]
Peter Griffin: [screams and wacks Francis with the shovel until he stops] Okay, I’ll bury him in a regular cemetery.

Brian Griffin: Boy, it’s amazing, isn’t it? You get two fathers, and neither one of them wants anything to do with you.
Peter Griffin: [about Mickey] There’s got to be some way I can make him see that I am worthy of being his son. But the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat, stinking drunk.
Francis Griffin: Peter! You are a fat stinking drunk!
Peter Griffin: [looks up] What?
Francis Griffin: [standing as a ghost from Star Wars along with Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi] You’re a fat, stinking drunk!
Obiwan Kenobi: Yes, from what he’s told us, that’s right on the money.
Yoda: Challenge him you must.
Anikin Skywalker: [walks over as a ghost] And I’m Hayden Christensen.

Stewie Griffin: Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle- my God, I really do have problems, don’t I?