Peter Griffin’s Guide to Parenting

August 21, 2006 by Wendy Boswell

Hey, just found this book at Amazon – Peter Griffin’s Guide To Parenting. Here are some choice sections:

Brian: Alright, Natalie Portman.
Stewie: Hm. She’s a little boney for me.
Brian: What? You’re crazy.
Stewie: She’s got sharp elbows
Brian: She’s gorgeous.
Stewie: Yeah, for a steak knife. Now, are we gonna do this dance all day, or are we gonna get to Megan Mullally?

Tom the Newsman: Coming up, can Spam-Mail keep it’s promises? We put my penis to the test.

Churro vendor: Churro?
Peter: Si! Oh man. This is what God what eat if he weren’t a diabetic.

Brian: What the hell is this?
Peter: Somebody needs to save Quahog from the illegal invasion, so we’re taking the law into our own hands.
Joe: Well, technically, we’re acting inside the law, Peter. Otherwise, right now I’d be home watching Grey’s Anatomy.
Brian: Unbelievable. I can’t believe I never realized you’re this ignorant.
Peter: Well, then who’s the ignorant one, Brian?
Stewie: He got you good, man.

Peter: There comes a time when we all have to have that dreaded talk with our kids about bonin’. Now in times past, a father would just get his son a hooker and wait for his daughter to be sexually assaulted by an Italian guy… But as times and italian guys change, so must a parent. That’s why now that it’s time to teach my kids about sex, I turn to a parents best friend, the internet. All right kids, the internet is gonna help me teach you about sex. We’ll just type in S-E-X-…
Chris: AAAAAAAH!
Stewie: What the h*ll’s a pink sock?
Meg: Oh, GROSS!
Peter: Oh Dear! Okay, uh, let’s try this one…
Chris: That’s not being nice to that squirrel.
Stewie: Ohhhhh.
Meg: Um… EW?
Peter: So, uh, there you go kids. I hope you all learned something about sex today.
Chris: I learned the internet is cool.
Meg: I learned that you’re an idiot.
Stewie: I learned that gay bikers are hardcore.